I was in a public toilet the other day and something slightly unsettling happened. I was at the trough, draining the pee pipe when this guy, who I had not even noticed standing in the corner of the room, starts like chanting/singing, in a high loud voice, in what I believe was arabic. He had a beard and was wearing a backpack. He didn't seem to care that a bear was in the public toilet block with him.
Now back in the days of pre-9/11, pre-Howard fear mongering, pre-everyone different is a terrorist, pre-ignorant redneck society, I would have just thought that this guy was some nut, but as we do live in these strange times, my mind leapt straight into a fairly extreme scenario.
Basically, the last thing I want to hear in a public toilet is someone with a backpack singing the Koran. So in my mind, this guy's a suicide bomber and the bomb is counting down in the pack on his back.
I have no delusions of grandeur, I wasn't thinking that I'm some pillar of western society and a shining beacon of democracy and capitalism or anything like that. I didn't and don't imagine that Al Queda have moved me to the top of their list of targets, but I did figure that maybe this guy was a suicide bomber in training. Maybe this was a trial run. A cold run. It would be quite stressful to be a suicide bomber and quite embarassing really. Singing in public is a difficult thing for most people and I imagine that the terrorists (you know...the terrorists that are everywhere because they've flooded into our country on leaky boats directly from Mecca) would need to undergo training of some kind.
Come to think of it...maybe that's why the terrorists don't really get that much done. Maybe...just maybe, they lose a lot of prospective terrorists in training. It makes sense. I mean you get past the beard class and the singing in public class but then the trial run comes along and...well...boom.
Speaking of suicide bombers; don't you wish they'd target those people with the "my family" stickers on their cars? You know, the ones with the shitily drawn illustrations of the dad, the mum, the kids, the fuckin cat, etc etc. They just remind me of the old Sprite soft drink guy and nobody needs to be reminded of that bozo.
BOZO. I once saw a kid in Peru with this t-shirt on with a clowns face that had a red circle with a diagonal line through it, (think Ghostbusters with a clown instead of a ghost) and the words "NO BOZOS" under it. Awesome!
Did you know that mushrooms are more closely related to humans than they are to plants? Is thrush a mushroom? Its a fungis right? Which is like a mushroom.
I had thrush once. Twice actually. Its not fun and you definitely can't make a nice sauce out of it. In fact I'd say thrush and steak should always be kept at a good distance from one another.
Do you like small fury animals? I do. They taste nice and tickle my tongue. Some people it seems, like small fury animals too much. You see I have this geinacologist (I'm a male bear and have no business being able to spell such a word) friend, and he tells me some truly messed up stories. You know, people coming in with things stuck inside them...some of them still making buzzing sounds, things like that. So this woman comes in to see him with bad pains in her uterus or whatever and asks him to take a panda at the sitch down below. My friend puts her in the stirrups and uses some sort of spreading device to take a look.
What he sees confounds him, for there are two tiny pin pricks of light coming from within. He takes another of his tools of the trade and reaches in for the foreign object, takes hold of something small and round and pulls. It doesn't want to come out but with a bit of elbow grease it gives. My friend, the geino, looks down to find the head of a rodent in his hands, like a guinea pig or something, and realises that what he thought were pin pricks of light was actually the reflection of light off the rodent's eyes.
It had been there for a while because it had started to decompose a little which is why the head came away from the body, which he had to take out as well.
I have a question.
Who in their right mind thinks shoving a small rodent up ones vagina is a good idea?! Haven't we all read 1985? Rodents eat stuff, lots of random stuff...like the inner wall of the uterus for example.
Anyway, i thought she'd have died from toxic shock or something before it got to decomposition, but who am i to question a flange doctor.
But hey, women are wonderful things. Their bodies work in ways that we can't ever truly understand, ways that don't really seem to follow natural law. Womens bodies, when they get to a certain age, are telling them to reproduce, find a sucker, draw out his seed and make a baby together...whether he wants it or...well...i don't know if men ever really want a baby...
But you know menstration doesn't want a baby either and it does everything in its power to make doing so nigh impossible. Menstruation makes women insane, la la, nuts. IF menstruation wanted women to have babies, it wouldn't make them angry or irrational. If menstruation wanted women to have babies it would instead make them into sexual goddesses. They'd be putting on the sexy lingere and a sweet crotchless number and it'd be all guns blazing. The biggest problem associated with menstruation would be lack of sleep.
i recently bought a GPS for the van. Its cool but it has a women's voice that tells you where to turn and stuff like that.
Now that would be fine on its own but I also recently got myself a girlfriend (a hot little Kodiak bear from an Afghanistani zoo) and having the two of them nagging at me...it sucks. Neither one can be made to shut up and it gives me a damn headache. I think by girlfriend and the GPS have been spending time together without me as well, because the GPS has changed. It now waits until we're passing a street before it tells me to turn, and if i disagree with it, it won't talk to me for an hour.
I disagree with it alot.
You know I actually used to think that headaches weren't real. Not including hangovers of course, but I reasoned that as I had never experienced one then they weren't real. (And migrains...a headache is not a migrain, just like a cold is not influenza.)
My ideas about headaches changed with the advent of Supre.
I went into Supre the other day to look for a present for a friend of mine. What the fuck!? Shit music played loud is just loud shit music. The clothes look like somebody was cremated in them, all punctuated with designer holes and shit which I really don't get. If I wanted clothes with holes in them, would I not just wear the fuck out of the clothes I already have?
I thought that hole crap went out when Samantha Fox turned lesbian!
I just watched "touch me" by Sammy on youtube. Why is there so much twirling in that video? It didn't work for Obi-wan.
I like to go to shopping centers and mess with people's heads. Its funny how people react to a bear. Everyone just takes it for granted that if there's a bear in a shopping center then he must be there for the children. They'll happily take their kids up to you for a cuddle which is a little weird really. I never understand that sort of thing. I would think a bear (or someone dressed as a bear) would be someone to be wary of. How unbalanced does somebody have to be to...
Anyway, I like to creep the parents out. The kids always want to hug the bear which makes me queasy but I deal with it. I then hug the mothers and slide my paw down to cop a feel of their butts. Its really surprising that I haven't been hit yet.
Actually I'm starting to think that I'm fullfilling a dream for most women, some sort of fantasy or something, and who wouldn't want a bit of the old Filthy. Have you watched a wildlife doco recently? Wow! We bears really go at it in a big way and you know what they say; "Once you've had bear you're left with a tear." Well...something like that.
If the police ever try to grab me, I figure I can just call what I do...art. It seems any old crap can be called art these days, well...except art that is. I often have this argument but basically, if you need to make up a story to explain to people why they should like it then its probably shit, and if people are so ignorant that they'll pay thousands of dollars for blank canvas then they...are shit.
Robert Rauschenberg was shit. "The space between art and life"? What a load of toss.
His white paintings were supposed to reduce painting to its most basic essential nature and people paid a shit load for them when all they needed to do was stare up at their kitchen ceiling. Painting contractors reduce painting to its most pure and essential form every fuckin day.
Here's what Wikipedia has to say about them:- "They appear at first to be essentially blank, white canvas. However, one commentator said that "…rather than thinking of them as destructive reductions, it might be more productive to see them, as John Cage did, as hypersensitive screens – what Cage suggestively described as ‘airports of the lights, shadows and particles.’ In front of them, the smallest adjustments in lighting and atmosphere might be registered on their surface.[citation needed] Rauschenberg himself said that they were affected by ambient conditions, "so you could almost tell how many people are in the room."
Like I said...kitchen ceiling.
Toss.
Like anything though, people get caught up in a clique or a movement and think they are the most clever and wise people for that. In many ways all that arty bollocks is no different than any other movement, punk, goth, even fuckin yo-yos. Its stopped being about the actual work and has become more about the bullshit. Its like, I'm punker than you because I've got a mohawke but instead its I'm artier than you because I can make up bullshit so well that I'll have people buying white canvas for big dollars.
Which really...I suppose is art. Making suckers out of those art snob types is an art in itself I guess and I must say I respect that. Mind you, how hard is it to suck in people who are actively going out and begging to be sucked in? When the con "artists" can suck in the general public enmasse, then maybe I'll be impressed.
Maybe Justin "Beaver" is an artist afterall.
I'm going now...I have a migrain.
No comments:
Post a Comment