I was just down at the beach, taking the dog for a walk as is the want of a bear on a blisteringly hot Summer's day, and I noticed a few things that made me think; JESUS THERE ARE A LOT OF REDNECKS IN THIS COUNTRY!!!
And then the question of exactly what makes a redneck came to mind and I found that the answrer wasn't as simple and obvious as I initially thought.
While there are certain traits that are definitely redneck in nature, any one trait may stand alone without making the individual a unabashed arseface. So though I have compiled a list here in my blog of what I have noticed to be redneck sensibilities, I believe a numbers system must be used to evaluate and come to a fair and clear outcome. To be branded a clear and cut redneck, you must be guilty of at least 2 of the things listed, unless you tick "yes" to one of the items tagged with a "$", in which case you are, I am sorry to say, what we call a RONR.
REDNECK
OF
NO
RETURN
There are not many of these "$" listed items and so your chances of avoiding them are high. Good Luck.
Shall we begin?
Let's.
#1. Southern Cross Tattoo. "$"
Our first item is also possibly our most extreme and the first "$" added. The Southern Cross Tattoo is a clear branding of a redneck. I don't care if you think you were the first. You weren't. The fact of the matter is that there are a million other dumarses out there with the same tattoo and you are just another sheep, a sheep with a decidedly crimson coloured neck. And you're wrong...a southern cross tattoo isn't a symbol of patriotism, at least not in the true sense. Patriotism, as the redneck sees it, is not simply the love of a country but the disdain of all others, ignorant of the fact that up until a few generations ago, his family were FROM another country.
#2. The Kanji Tattoo.
Though perhaps not as bad as the Southern Cross Tattoo, the Kanji (japanese writing) tattoo is still a pretty clear branding of a redneck. It usually says something along the lines of "Strength, Honour, Love, Justice, Power, Health, Wank" and other crap, but in some cases it says nothing at all and is not even true Kanji. I was at a bar with a Panda friend of mine once who is fluent in a couple of oriental languages and writes Kanji. She laughed when she saw one guy's tattoo. It said 'Strength, Honour, Respect and -------------." The fourth Kanji symbol wasn't real. There are even couples getting these tattoos for eachother as wedding presents. I think I'm gonna vomit.
#3. Car Stickers.
There are too many of these to mention singularly and so I'm placing them under the one heading. Obviously not all stickers are redneck in nature but there are a few that are yet another obvious branding. The Frangipani sticker, the No Fear sticker, the Fuck off we're Full sticker $, the If You Weren't Born Here Fuck Off sticker $, the southern cross sticker (see #1), the Playboy sticker $ (also relates to seatcovers), the Bitch On Board sticker $, and the football sticker. Much like the Southern Cross Tattoo, most of these stickers are a clear sign of sheepy rednecked behaviour and should be avoided.
#4. Kid's Names.
Jet, Rock, Shania, Brittany...these are just a few of the names that rednecks give to their kids but there are many more. They seem to like using the names of famous people but there is another formula that many go by. It seems popular among the redneck set to try and make up names out of seemingly random but vaguelly Hawaiian sounds. Names like Kiara, Briana, Lamara, Janori, are popping up all over the place. Rednecks obviously choose them based on how good they sound when yelled because my neighbours scream them at the top of their lungs every Sunday morning.
#5. Bintang T-Shirts.
Every second redneck these days has and wears a Bintang t-shirt. These shirts were most likely bought on a paralytic trip to Bali when all other shirts were covered with spew from too many beers in Kuta. The rednecks travel to Bali in packs, remain pissed for basically their whole trip and rarely wear shirts. They therefore usually glow red with sunburn and some even think its smart to try and smuggle dope into the country in their bodyboard bags.
#6. Staffys and Pitbulls. $
The redneck mascot is usually a Staffy or a Pitbull dog. They will try to tell you it is because these dogs are beautiful, but there are loads of beautiful dogs without lockjaw and a history of attacking children. I once saw this dufass that had two pitybulls (or Pittys as the redneck calls them) in the back of his Ute. They were chained up, but when a small child walked by they did their best to leap out of the ute and attack. They were snarling and drooling with their back paws on the edge of the ute and their front paws dangling in midair. The dogs were obviously choking but would rather suffocate than give up. Basically its an image; the tough fighting dog says "Look at me and my dog. Don't we look tough and manly? Don't we have large testicles?" Wank!
#7. Ford or Holden?
Who gives a rat's arse. They're both probably made in the same factory in Korea anyway.
#8. John Howard Was The Best Thing To Happen To This Country.
Are you kidding me? Do you remember before Howard? Before hate and fear made everyone coo coo? Asylum seekers are not terrorists, they are people running from tyrrany and coming to us for help. We can either be heroes or bastards. Simple as that. Its the system for processing them that needs sorting out. Does anyone actually believe that a terrorist comes to Australia on a leaky boat that takes months to get here? Terrorist organizations are better funded than that you idiots. Howard looked out for the rich and was George Bush's little bitch. Case in point, the free trade agreement where America refused all our amendments and Howard gave in to every single one of theirs. Pathetic. At the G8 summit in China, Howard looked like a giddy school girl sucking up to Bush. The guy was a dick.
#9. Cold Chisel. $
So lame, so very very lame. As bad as Empire of the Sun.
#10. Football.
Where do I begin? There's so much material.
Many Gold Coast hotels won't take footballers anymore after a number of them trashed their rooms and wrote on the walls in their own fecal matter. Footballers are always in the news for sexual offences, many with minors.
I was on a bus once with a whole football team. One of them had his penis out and was playing with it. They tried to tear off a girl's top and when my friend and I stood up for her, we were attacked. One of the footballers that wasn't involved in the assault said, "I might not agree with what these guys are doing but we're team mates and if you try to do anything we'll all kill you."
Another time I was working at the Mercure in Surfer's Paradise and was talking to an old staff member. He told me that the football teams would go out, drug girls and bring them back to their rooms. They would then take turns in raping these girls when they were passed out. He told me he went to one of their rooms one night and they offered him a "turn". This hotel used to be called the Ocean Blue Resort and was notorious as the rape capitol of the gold coast directly because they used to welcome football teams.
#11. Shazza, Dazza, Jonno.
Why the hell do rednecks screw names up? I once lived with a couple of rednecks and everyone in the house ended up with redneck names. Filtho (Filthy), Kyles (Kylie), Nato (Natalie), Damo (Damian), Becs (Rebecca), Trino (Katrina), Shano (Shane).
#12. Travel Ala Redneck
Rednecks almost always go to places where they can get shit-faced as cheaply as possible and rarely take into consideration the local culture. I've already mentioned Bali and especially Kuta but there is also Thailand. I once heard a redneck say that Thailand was awesome because you could drink all day for nothing and that the only thing wrong with the place was that there were too many foreigners and people who don't speak english. Its a foreign country! I even once saw a redneck yelling at a woman in spain because she didn't speak english. He didn't want Spanish food. He wanted steak and chips and was openly saying things like "Are you stupid? I can't believe they don't have english speaking people here!" Again...its a foreign country!!
Ok so that'll do for now. 12 is a good start. There are more, like drinking and smoking while pregnant, going to the Big Day Out for the atmosphere and not actually caring what bands are on, and those sunglasses that look like they were stolen from Maggie Tabra's closet, but I'm over thinking about it for now. Feel free to add to the list with your own comments. I'd like to hear what other redneck traits are out there.
Bye for now and STAY FILTHY!
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