Get my blog by e-mail?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

SUMMER GROWLING

   I was in a public toilet the other day and something slightly unsettling happened. I was at the trough, draining the pee pipe when this guy, who I had not even noticed standing in the corner of the room, starts like chanting/singing, in a high loud voice, in what I believe was arabic. He had a beard and was wearing a backpack. He didn't seem to care that a bear was in the public toilet block with him.
   Now back in the days of pre-9/11, pre-Howard fear mongering, pre-everyone different is a terrorist, pre-ignorant redneck society, I would have just thought that this guy was some nut, but as we do live in these strange times, my mind leapt straight into a fairly extreme scenario.
   Basically, the last thing I want to hear in a public toilet is someone with a backpack singing the Koran. So in my mind, this guy's a suicide bomber and the bomb is counting down in the pack on his back.
   I have no delusions of grandeur, I wasn't thinking that I'm some pillar of western society and a shining beacon of democracy and capitalism or anything like that. I didn't and don't imagine that Al Queda have moved me to the top of their list of targets, but I did figure that maybe this guy was a suicide bomber in training. Maybe this was a trial run. A cold run. It would be quite stressful to be a suicide bomber and quite embarassing really. Singing in public is a difficult thing for most people and I imagine that the terrorists (you know...the terrorists that are everywhere because they've flooded into our country on leaky boats directly from Mecca) would need to undergo training of some kind.
   Come to think of it...maybe that's why the terrorists don't really get that much done. Maybe...just maybe, they lose a lot of prospective terrorists in training. It makes sense. I mean you get past the beard class and the singing in public class but then the trial run comes along and...well...boom.
 Speaking of suicide bombers; don't you wish they'd target those people with the "my family" stickers on their cars? You know, the ones with the shitily drawn illustrations of the dad, the mum, the kids, the fuckin cat, etc etc. They just remind me of the old Sprite soft drink guy and nobody needs to be reminded of that bozo.
   BOZO. I once saw a kid in Peru with this t-shirt on with a clowns face that had a red circle with a diagonal line through it, (think Ghostbusters with a clown instead of a ghost) and the words "NO BOZOS" under it. Awesome!
   Did you know that mushrooms are more closely related to humans than they are to plants? Is thrush a mushroom? Its a fungis right? Which is like a mushroom.
   I had thrush once. Twice actually. Its not fun and you definitely can't make a nice sauce out of it. In fact I'd say thrush and steak should always be kept at a good distance from one another.
   Do you like small fury animals? I do. They taste nice and tickle my tongue. Some people it seems, like small fury animals too much. You see I have this geinacologist (I'm a male bear and have no business being able to spell such a word) friend, and he tells me some truly messed up stories. You know, people coming in with things stuck inside them...some of them still making buzzing sounds, things like that. So this woman comes in to see him with bad pains in her uterus or whatever and asks him to take a panda at the sitch down below. My friend puts her in the stirrups and uses some sort of spreading device to take a look.
   What he sees confounds him, for there are two tiny pin pricks of light coming from within. He takes another of his tools of the trade and reaches in for the foreign object, takes hold of something small and round and pulls. It doesn't want to come out but with a bit of elbow grease it gives. My friend, the geino, looks down to find the head of a rodent in his hands, like a guinea pig or something, and realises that what he thought were pin pricks of light was actually the reflection of light off the rodent's eyes.
   It had been there for a while because it had started to decompose a little which is why the head came away from the body, which he had to take out as well.
   I have a question.
   Who in their right mind thinks shoving a small rodent up ones vagina is a good idea?! Haven't we all read 1985? Rodents eat stuff, lots of random stuff...like the inner wall of the uterus for example.
   Anyway, i thought she'd have died from toxic shock or something before it got to decomposition, but who am i to question a flange doctor.
   But hey, women are wonderful things. Their bodies work in ways that we can't ever truly understand, ways that don't really seem to follow natural law. Womens bodies, when they get to a certain age, are telling them to reproduce, find a sucker, draw out his seed and make a baby together...whether he wants it or...well...i don't know if men ever really want a baby...
   But you know menstration doesn't want a baby either and it does everything in its power to make doing so nigh impossible. Menstruation makes women insane, la la, nuts. IF menstruation wanted women to have babies, it wouldn't make them angry or irrational. If menstruation wanted women to have babies it would instead make them into sexual goddesses. They'd be putting on the sexy lingere and a sweet crotchless number and it'd be all guns blazing. The biggest problem associated with menstruation would be lack of sleep.
   i recently bought a GPS for the van. Its cool but it has a women's voice that tells you where to turn and stuff like that.
   Now that would be fine on its own but I also recently got myself a girlfriend (a hot little Kodiak bear from an Afghanistani zoo) and having the two of them nagging at me...it sucks. Neither one can be made to shut up and it gives me a damn headache. I think by girlfriend and the GPS have been spending time together without me as well, because the GPS has changed. It now waits until we're passing a street before it tells me to turn, and if i disagree with it, it won't talk to me for an hour.
   I disagree with it alot.
   You know I actually used to think that headaches weren't real. Not including hangovers of course, but I reasoned that as I had never experienced one then they weren't real. (And migrains...a headache is not a migrain, just like a cold is not influenza.)
   My ideas about headaches changed with the advent of Supre.
   I went into Supre the other day to look for a present for a friend of mine. What the fuck!? Shit music played loud is just loud shit music. The clothes look like somebody was cremated in them, all punctuated with designer holes and shit which I really don't get. If I wanted clothes with holes in them, would I not just wear the fuck out of the clothes I already have?
I thought that hole crap went out when Samantha Fox turned lesbian!
   I just watched "touch me" by Sammy on youtube. Why is there so much twirling in that video? It didn't work for Obi-wan.
   I like to go to shopping centers and mess with people's heads. Its funny how people react to a bear. Everyone just takes it for granted that if there's a bear in a shopping center then he must be there for the children. They'll happily take their kids up to you for a cuddle which is a little weird really. I never understand that sort of thing. I would think a bear (or someone dressed as a bear) would be someone to be wary of. How unbalanced does somebody have to be to...
   Anyway, I like to creep the parents out. The kids always want to hug the bear which makes me queasy but I deal with it. I then hug the mothers and slide my paw down to cop a feel of their butts. Its really surprising that I haven't been hit yet.
   Actually I'm starting to think that I'm fullfilling a dream for most women, some sort of fantasy or something, and who wouldn't want a bit of the old Filthy. Have you watched a wildlife doco recently? Wow! We bears really go at it in a big way and you know what they say; "Once you've had bear you're left with a tear." Well...something like that.
   If the police ever try to grab me, I figure I can just call what I do...art. It seems any old crap can be called art these days, well...except art that is. I often have this argument but basically, if you need to make up a story to explain to people why they should like it then its probably shit, and if people are so ignorant that they'll pay thousands of dollars for blank canvas then they...are shit.
   Robert Rauschenberg was shit. "The space between art and life"? What a load of toss.
   His white paintings were supposed to reduce painting to its most basic essential nature and people paid a shit load for them when all they needed to do was stare up at their kitchen ceiling. Painting contractors reduce painting to its most pure and essential form every fuckin day.
   Here's what Wikipedia has to say about them:- "They appear at first to be essentially blank, white canvas. However, one commentator said that "…rather than thinking of them as destructive reductions, it might be more productive to see them, as John Cage did, as hypersensitive screens – what Cage suggestively described as ‘airports of the lights, shadows and particles.’ In front of them, the smallest adjustments in lighting and atmosphere might be registered on their surface.[citation needed] Rauschenberg himself said that they were affected by ambient conditions, "so you could almost tell how many people are in the room."
   Like I said...kitchen ceiling.
   Toss.
   Like anything though, people get caught up in a clique or a movement and think they are the most clever and wise people for that. In many ways all that arty bollocks is no different than any other movement, punk, goth, even fuckin yo-yos. Its stopped being about the actual work and has become more about the bullshit. Its like, I'm punker than you because I've got a mohawke but instead its I'm artier than you because I can make up bullshit so well that I'll have people buying white canvas for big dollars.
   Which really...I suppose is art. Making suckers out of those art snob types is an art in itself I guess and I must say I respect that. Mind you, how hard is it to suck in people who are actively going out and begging to be sucked in? When the con "artists" can suck in the general public enmasse, then maybe I'll be impressed.
   Maybe Justin "Beaver" is an artist afterall.
   I'm going now...I have a migrain.
  

Saturday, February 5, 2011

FILTHY'S FUN FACTS #1

I was just down at the beach, taking the dog for a walk as is the want of a bear on a blisteringly hot Summer's day, and I noticed a few things that made me think; JESUS THERE ARE A LOT OF REDNECKS IN THIS COUNTRY!!!
   And then the question of exactly what makes a redneck came to mind and I found that the answrer wasn't as simple and obvious as I initially thought.
   While there are certain traits that are definitely redneck in nature, any one trait may stand alone without making the individual a unabashed arseface. So though I have compiled a list here in my blog of what I have noticed to be redneck sensibilities, I believe a numbers system must be used to evaluate and come to a fair and clear outcome. To be branded a clear and cut redneck, you must be guilty of at least 2 of the things listed, unless you tick "yes" to one of the items tagged with a "$", in which case you are, I am sorry to say, what we call a RONR.
                                                        REDNECK
                                                        OF
                                                        NO
                                                        RETURN
   There are not many of these "$" listed items and so your chances of avoiding them are high. Good Luck.
   Shall we begin?
   Let's.
#1. Southern Cross Tattoo. "$"
Our first item is also possibly our most extreme and the first "$" added. The Southern Cross Tattoo is a clear branding of a redneck. I don't care if you think you were the first. You weren't. The fact of the matter is that there are a million other dumarses out there with the same tattoo and you are just another sheep, a sheep with a decidedly crimson coloured neck. And you're wrong...a southern cross tattoo isn't a symbol of patriotism, at least not in the true sense. Patriotism, as the redneck sees it, is not simply the love of a country but the disdain of all others, ignorant of the fact that up until a few generations ago, his family were FROM another country.

#2. The Kanji Tattoo.
Though perhaps not as bad as the Southern Cross Tattoo, the Kanji (japanese writing) tattoo is still a pretty clear branding of a redneck. It usually says something along the lines of "Strength, Honour, Love, Justice, Power, Health, Wank" and other crap, but in some cases it says nothing at all and is not even true Kanji. I was at a bar with a Panda friend of mine once who is fluent in a couple of oriental languages and writes Kanji. She laughed when she saw one guy's tattoo. It said 'Strength, Honour, Respect and -------------." The fourth Kanji symbol wasn't real. There are even couples getting these tattoos for eachother as wedding presents. I think I'm gonna vomit.

#3. Car Stickers.
There are too many of these to mention singularly and so I'm placing them under the one heading. Obviously not all stickers are redneck in nature but there are a few that are yet another obvious branding. The Frangipani sticker, the No Fear sticker, the Fuck off we're Full sticker $, the If You Weren't Born Here Fuck Off sticker $, the southern cross sticker (see #1), the Playboy sticker $ (also relates to seatcovers), the Bitch On Board sticker $, and the football sticker. Much like the Southern Cross Tattoo, most of these stickers are a clear sign of sheepy rednecked behaviour and should be avoided.

#4. Kid's Names.
Jet, Rock, Shania, Brittany...these are just a few of the names that rednecks give to their kids but there are many more. They seem to like using the names of famous people but there is another formula that many go by. It seems popular among the redneck set to try and make up names out of seemingly random but vaguelly Hawaiian sounds. Names like Kiara, Briana, Lamara, Janori, are popping up all over the place. Rednecks obviously choose them based on how good they sound when yelled because my neighbours scream them at the top of their lungs every Sunday morning.

#5. Bintang T-Shirts.
Every second redneck these days has and wears a Bintang t-shirt. These shirts were most likely bought on a paralytic trip to Bali when all other shirts were covered with spew from too many beers in Kuta. The rednecks travel to Bali in packs, remain pissed for basically their whole trip and rarely wear shirts. They therefore usually glow red with sunburn and some even think its smart to try and smuggle dope into the country in their bodyboard bags.

#6. Staffys and Pitbulls. $
The redneck mascot is usually a Staffy or a Pitbull dog. They will try to tell you it is because these dogs are beautiful, but there are loads of beautiful dogs without lockjaw and a history of attacking children. I once saw this dufass that had two pitybulls (or Pittys as the redneck calls them) in the back of his Ute. They were chained up, but when a small child walked by they did their best to leap out of the ute and attack. They were snarling and drooling with their back paws on the edge of the ute and their front paws dangling in midair. The dogs were obviously choking but would rather suffocate than give up. Basically its an image; the tough fighting dog says "Look at me and my dog. Don't we look tough and manly? Don't we have large testicles?" Wank!

#7. Ford or Holden?
Who gives a rat's arse. They're both probably made in the same factory in Korea anyway.

#8. John Howard Was The Best Thing To Happen To This Country.
Are you kidding me? Do you remember before Howard? Before hate and fear made everyone coo coo? Asylum seekers are not terrorists, they are people running from tyrrany and coming to us for help. We can either be heroes or bastards. Simple as that. Its the system for processing them that needs sorting out. Does anyone actually believe that a terrorist comes to Australia on a leaky boat that takes months to get here? Terrorist organizations are better funded than that you idiots. Howard looked out for the rich and was George Bush's little bitch. Case in point, the free trade agreement where America refused all our amendments and Howard gave in to every single one of theirs. Pathetic. At the G8 summit in China, Howard looked like a giddy school girl sucking up to Bush. The guy was a dick.

#9. Cold Chisel. $
So lame, so very very lame. As bad as Empire of the Sun.

#10. Football.
Where do I begin? There's so much material.
Many Gold Coast hotels won't take footballers anymore after a number of them trashed their rooms and wrote on the walls in their own fecal matter. Footballers are always in the news for sexual offences, many with minors.
I was on a bus once with a whole football team. One of them had his penis out and was playing with it. They tried to tear off a girl's top and when my friend and I stood up for her, we were attacked. One of the footballers that wasn't involved in the assault said, "I might not agree with what these guys are doing but we're team mates and if you try to do anything we'll all kill you."
Another time I was working at the Mercure in Surfer's Paradise and was talking to an old staff member. He told me that the football teams would go out, drug girls and bring them back to their rooms. They would then take turns in raping these girls when they were passed out. He told me he went to one of their rooms one night and they offered him a "turn". This hotel used to be called the Ocean Blue Resort and was notorious as the rape capitol of the gold coast directly because they used to welcome football teams.

#11. Shazza, Dazza, Jonno.
Why the hell do rednecks screw names up? I once lived with a couple of rednecks and everyone in the house ended up with redneck names. Filtho (Filthy), Kyles (Kylie), Nato (Natalie), Damo (Damian), Becs (Rebecca), Trino (Katrina), Shano (Shane).

#12. Travel Ala Redneck
Rednecks almost always go to places where they can get shit-faced as cheaply as possible and rarely take into consideration the local culture. I've already mentioned Bali and especially Kuta but there is also Thailand. I once heard a redneck say that Thailand was awesome because you could drink all day for nothing and that the only thing wrong with the place was that there were too many foreigners and people who don't speak english. Its a foreign country! I even once saw a redneck yelling at a woman in spain because she didn't speak english. He didn't want Spanish food. He wanted steak and chips and was openly saying things like "Are you stupid? I can't believe they don't have english speaking people here!" Again...its a foreign country!!

   Ok so that'll do for now. 12 is a good start. There are more, like drinking and smoking while pregnant, going to the Big Day Out for the atmosphere and not actually caring what bands are on, and those sunglasses that look like they were stolen from Maggie Tabra's closet, but I'm over thinking about it for now. Feel free to add to the list with your own comments. I'd like to hear what other redneck traits are out there.
Bye for now and STAY FILTHY!